Out of Thought

Hefen

This is a true story which happened on myself.I want to write it down and memory it.
One day I was in classroom. Suddendly someone phoned me,I didn’t answer it because it was lesson time. It was a strange number. I sent a message to tell him/her that I was having lesson and ask who he/she was. He /she didn’t reply. When the lesson was over , I phoned the number, but he/she refused me. I tried one more time again and was refused again. Then I sent a message to him/her to ask if he/she had something to do with me. And this time, he/she replied, “ Actually I don’t want to tell you. I had watched you for three years in senior school. Now I wonder if you are still singal?” I was amazed. Who would like a person like me who isn’t handsome.I wondered who she would be. I phoned her again and she still refused . A moment later, I received a message from her. She said, “I just want to know the result.” I replied, “ Maybe we are friends before, I real want to know who you are. If you really don’t tell me ,it doesn’t matter also. I hope you can call me if you have any problems. I am sorry to tell I already have a girlfriend , she is a amazing girl.” Then she didn’t reply me any more. But I still wonder who she would be. I was curious.
At night, I phoned my girlfriend and talked about many things except the number and the girl. But later I was surprised to know that the girl turned out to be my girlfriend and the telephoned was lent by her from one of her roommates. I was amazed again and didn’t say a word for several seconds. I asked why she did a thing like this. She had a laugh and said it just was a small test. At that moment I really understood a sentence¬-The heart of woman is a pin in ocean. I was amazed but I was not angry because she is my love and I knew it was a way she showed her love for me. But I hope she won’t do things like this again, because I think what she should do is just trust me.

Cinderella

Try using various sentence patterns and some figures of speech, and your narration may be better to read.

[ 本帖最后由 Cinderella 于 2008-9-21 09:14 编辑 ]

Cinderella

Out of Thought_______My Girlfriend's Love
This is a true story which happened on myself.I want to write it down and memory it. ______What happened several days ago is really thought-provoking to me, and I began to wonder what true love is. (the begining of a composition is very important. You shouldn't have put it in such a careless way.)

One day I was in classroom. Suddendly someone phoned me,I didn’t answer it because it was lesson time._____That day I received a phone call when I was having a class. I  It was a strange number. I sent a message to tell him/her that I was having lesson and ask who he/she was. He /she didn’t reply. _______ It was a strange number, so I sent a message to ask who it was but got no reply. When the lesson was over , I phoned the number, but he/she refused me. I tried one more time again and was refused again. Then I sent a message to him/her to ask if he/she had something to do with me. _____After the class, I phoned the number but was refused. I phoned again and was refused again. My curiosity grew and I sent a short message to ask if there was anything I could do for him or her. And this time, he/she replied, “ Actually I don’t want to tell you. I had watched you for three years in senior school. Now I wonder if you are still singal?” ________And this time I got a reply:"I don't want to bother you but I have been loving you for three years. Are you still single?"(if you don't konw who she or he is, it's smart for you not to use "him/her" but use other sentence patterns instead) I was amazed. Who would like a person like me who isn’t handsome.I wondered who she would be. _______Oh my god! I didn't ever think that I would have such romance in my life! Am I so handsome without knowing about it myself? (This would be humorous and produce better effect in your readers)I phoned her again and she still refused . A moment later, I received a message from her. She said, “I just want to know the result.”___"Please let me know your choice." I replied, “ Maybe we are friends before, I real-----really want to know who you are.  (But) if you really (unnecessary) don’t tell me ,it doesn’t matter also____it's OK (so that it would not be too serious). I hope you can call me if you have any problems__(problem). I am sorry to tell I already have a girlfriend , she is a__an amazing girl.” Then she didn’t reply me any more.____Silence again. But I still wonder who she would be. _____Who was it anyway? I was curious___I kept wondering about that.
At night, I phoned my girlfriend and talked about many things except the number and the girl. But later I was surprised to know that the girl turned out to be my girlfriend and the telephoned was lent by her from one of her roommates. _______You could imagine how shocked I was when I was told my girlfriend was the anonymous caller! She sent me the short messages with her roomate's mobile phone. I was amazed again and didn’t say a word for several seconds. ________For several seconds I didn't say a word. Then I asked why she did a thing like this. _____Then I asked her for the reason.  She had a laugh and said it just was a small test of my love for her. At that moment I really understood a sentence¬-The heart of woman is a pin in ocean.______I felt a thrill of terror, and all of a sudden, I understood why people say:"The heart of a woman is a pin in the deepest ocean." I was amazed but I was not angry because she is my love and I knew it was a way she showed her love for me. But I hope she won’t do things like this again, because I think what she should do is just trust me.____ I forgave her out of my love for her, though it was a strange feeling to think of my girlfriend doing such an odd thing. "You poor! Don't you know I love you?" I murmured in my mind. "But I prefer your trust to your test."

I'd say I won't appreciate such a love if it goes too irrational.

[ 本帖最后由 Cinderella 于 2008-9-21 12:15 编辑 ]

Hefen

Thank you very much for what you have done to me. I really appreciate it very much!

[ 本帖最后由 Hefen 于 2008-9-21 11:49 编辑 ]

Cinderella

So next time you'll write in a more concise way, I think?

Dorothy

WOW~~~~~~
I'm as amazed as I'm touched by your correcting every single sentence so carefully and seriously.

"But I prefer your trust to your test."_____I love this sentence you wrote.

[ 本帖最后由 Dorothy 于 2008-9-21 20:24 编辑 ]