The Change
The Change"Life is a journey,and the only package one carries on the road is his memory."
Seemingly in a blink,the first semester of my junior year,still fresh as if it began yesterday, is rushing toward its end.Although warned and reminded many times that university life flies,
I still tremble a little at the idea that another half year is speeding into the past.
I believe it must be accepted by most of us that when one has be fully aware of the change of time,it is the perfect moment for him to reflect upon the change of his life .Here and now I feel as if I am jostled by some unidentifiable force rising from my heart,urging me to pause in the midst of all hurries,and give life a review.
I am not that kind of person who can summarize her past in a perfect"first,second" way,but if asked what major changes I could extract from the past two and half years of university life,I'd say that I've finally come to terms with two truths.One is about giving up.That is everything is not in the solely control of myself and if something goes beyond my bounds,I should wisely let it go and march on.The other is about solitude.After having deliberately labelled the so-called"peace of mind"as a virtue and gift throughout my junior and senior high school years,I eventually admit to myself that people just need companion ,and solitude,when engraved into life as a longstanding pattern,is nothing but pitiful and miserable.
How can I forget that feeling when I browsed through the commemoration book for the graduation of high school and found that almost every of my classmates wrote down such words as"you are a cold beauty in my mind and I dare not speak to you","you keep aloof from everyone by your coldness".First being shocked and then wondered why on earth people had misread my aloneness as coldness,a second thought brought me to the realization that the solitude I'd enjoyed had indeed hurt the feeling of others,or at least those who had intended to come close to me.Further reflection made me all the more miserable.Except two classmates I've known from the junior school,I've got no new friends at all through that three years.What a failure of me,I groaned to myself.
Then time slipped to the university.I wanted to change and I began to try to.
Change was rather slow,strenuous and gnawing.So the freshman year still saw me wandering round the campus at night,alone,going to classes,alone,and doing all the activities,alone.I was so unfamiliar with the feeling of sitting among a crowd of people and letting my voice mix with others' that every time I encountered people,I was torn between the wish to carry on a talk and the fear of saying too much or too improperly.For a time I had intended to give up and return to my solitude to find peace,but the appeal of this solitude paled whenever I realized that I still got no new companion to talk to when there was a need.I felt stronger and stronger that I had cheated myself all these years by the theory of "peace of mind",because it was only when one lingered at night ,accompanied only by the recorded songs from her mp3,and believed that if she were to die at that moment and no one would know and care,she knew how solitude felt like.
That was a biting solitude.
I kept on with my small and slow changes through the second year.I found myself smile more.I found myself no longer feel that awkward among a group of people.I even found myself enchanted sometimes by the idea of speaking in front of an audience.These changes received abundant welcome and response.With immense gratitude and ecstasy I sensed more and more smile and eye contacts from my classmates.I could casually pick up a talk with acquatances I came across on the campus free from anxiety and contrivedness. Long at last,I thought ,that I came back to the normal.
Then came the hilarious time,a time when I've known how to sense and savour the fragrance of smile and words and companion.I still go around alone sometimes,and think alone,but the fascination about solitude has died down,about which I feel so relieved and proud.
The other truth I above mentioned is about giving up,or rather,being flexible and practical.Dreams are not easy to discard once they have sprouted in our minds.This goes particularly true with the stubborn and self-conscious ones like me.Before I entered university,for all the past eighteen years,I had got no idea of what was meant by a choice and giving up.All I wanted I got,and all I despised I discarded.So dreams were to be fulfilled,and to abandon one's wish was unimaginable.Firmly I believed in the power of human will,convincing myself that as long as I tried,I would got what I wanted.
Again university life toppled my belief.Time after time I found myself stranded in a dilemma between to adhere and lose or to give up and relieve.There were so many factors that could lever the outcome of a try that single effort from the human part was far from enough.Dreams that were once so glorious and enchanting faded when a flow of new things were gushing toward you;Ambitions that once stroke to your heart so impressively were reduced to anachronisms when the most favorable circumstances had vanished.Time was incessantly on the go,so should our plans and dreams and ambitions.Nothing stood still,so shouldn't our vision for the future.Becomingobsessed with the dying wishes would lead us to nowhere but the desert of despair and disillusion.
That was the lesson I learned through numerous heart-breaking occasions,where I had no choice but to dump my initial intentions into the dust and carry on with new orientation.I finally reconciled myself with the seemingly devastating truth that we human beings were not almighty,and to know when and how to give up with elegance and composure was indeed a bless,and an ability we all had to acquire.
So here I am,now,with an upbeat and sociable heart and an enchanting future open to any alteration,in my mind and hand.
I've changed,for all the better,with a blessed heart. I eventually admit to myself that people just need companion ,and solitude,when engraved into life as a longstanding pattern,is nothing but pitiful and miserable.
_______Yeah, I'd like to say that peace of mind established upon the turbulent life is true peace. Solitude is always companioned by cowardness and sadness in heart.
Time after time I found myself stranded in a dilemma between to adhere and lose or to give up and relieve_____This is not the delimma you faced; this is the dilemma that faces most people all through their life.
Time was incessantly on the go,so should our plans and dreams and ambitions.Nothing stood still,so shouldn't our vision for the future.______Undoubtedly you are wise, wise enough to become a philosopher:lol
I finally reconciled myself with the seemingly devastating truth that we human beings were not almighty,and to know when and how to give up with elegance and composure was indeed a bless,and an ability we all had to acquire.____yes, I couldn't agree more on this point. To recognize we are not strong enough is the necessary step towards becoming mentally strong. To give up is also an ability to help us through with happiness.
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