Where There Is a Will, There Is a Way
There is an old saying, “Where there is a will, there is a way” in English, and surprisingly, we can find equivalent expressions in Chinese as well as in other kinds of language. That is to say, our ancestors have been consistent in that if we have a strong will to do something, we will find a way to start it, to persist in it and to achieve it.The saying is obviously true in that it, at first, is logically organized. A will is a necessary cause of a way and in reverse a way is the sufficient factor of a will. To find a way for our cause, we do not necessarily have a strong will. However, if we have a strong will, we must get a way. So why is the will so significant for us to get a way?
To start with, a will is to us what the beacon of light is to a fisher at the sea. A strong will can lighten the unknown life and guide us to where we want. Everyone had a dream when we were young. We all sworn to be great men, for example, scientists, doctors, masters of drawing, musicians and so on. In spite of that, for most of us, it is not a will but a springing answer to the question raised by the teachers. When we said we wanted to be as great as Beethoven, we might have no idea about what Beethoven was famous for. As a result, we are being shaped by the influence impacted on us, only to find we have been a bank clerk after twenty years. As for the minority children who have been keeping his will to be a great man, on the contrary, realize their dream. Barack Obama wrote down his dream in his composition when he was in Grade Three in the elementary school. He said he wanted to be a president. It was not a coincidence that he became the 44th president of the United States for reason that he has been keeping his will to be a president. Whenever he is at sea about the future, the dream will save him from going it blind and thus instruct him to go on his way.
Besides the function of instruction, a will can also make us alert to the necessary information that matters a lot. If we keep a will for something, we will select the information we receive, promote it and make it our own. Just take we English majors for example. When we walk and look around, we will pay more attention to the translation of the commercials instead of the designation of them. In addition, we may engage ourselves in comparing the difference between Chinese culture and western culture when others are cheering for the Christmas Day. As long as we are clear about what we want, we will make the best of what we get and maximize our advantages, therefore receiving most benefits within least time.
At the same time, a will is also a crucial factor for us to persist in our career. A lasting will usually derives from a strong interest or a steady sense of responsibility. We sometimes say that someone is born an inventor since we notice he shows great curiosity about obvious questions and takes interest in making small devices. And it is this interest that drives him to work hard and deepen into the invention. Other people, like Zhou Enlai, who announced that we should study for the strongness of our country, however, strive for their career for the great sense of responsibility. They all hold the lofty ideal, conquer all the obstacles and charge for their goal.
Here we can draw the conclusion that where there is a will, there is a way. A will is that which leads us to success in an effective way. Hold a strong will, and you will harvest surprising rewards. That is to say, our ancestors have been consistent in that if we have a strong will to do something, we will find a way to start it, to persist in it and to achieve it.
______这一句的“consistent”用得不对，应为"happen to coincide with“
以下对整个第一段的改动仅供参考：It's really a happy coincidence that in different languages exists the similar expression as "where there is a will, there is a way." Our ancestors, though scattered in different corners on the earth, have amazingly acquired the same wisdom, that is, a strong will may ensure a way leading to our realization of our glorious dreams. 本帖最后由 Cinderella 于 2012-12-3 00:17 编辑
第二段：The saying is obviously true in that it, at first, is logically organized.----------注意at first属于误用，应为 firstly, 或者first；此外，obviously 不合适，我一直以为你想说反话，看完全文回过头来，才明白你确实想说这个说法很有逻辑性。
A will is a necessary cause of a way and in reverse a way is the sufficient factor of a will. To find a way for our cause, we do not necessarily have a strong will. However, if we have a strong will, we must get a way. ——说实话这几句我看了很多次，但是还是不太明白……能否请雪梅换一种方法表达得更清楚？Thank you very much. 本帖最后由 Cinderella 于 2012-12-2 21:38 编辑
To start with, a will is to us what the beacon of light is to a fisher at the sea. :D赞一个
不过，如果和后一句用一个逗号隔开，加一个which，把两句连起来，更能完整和流畅地表达这一个意思，同时也避免在短时间内过多重复a strong will这三个字。你觉得呢？
To start with, a will is to us what the beacon of light is to a fisher at the sea, which can lighten the unknown life and guide us to where we want. 本帖最后由 Cinderella 于 2012-12-3 00:18 编辑
雪梅的作文要注意一点：一个段落之中所有句子的向心力和凝聚力。通过对句子重心的把握、主语的把握来达到流畅，避免给读者跳跃的感觉。读者读着读着，一会儿跳到一个土堆后面，一会儿又绕回来，发现还是在起跳的原点，才明白：哦，作者想说的是这个啊。
比如这一段：Everyone had a dream when we were young. (短短一句里用了两个主语，而第一个主语与前面一句的主语并未衔接上，导致阅读不流畅。而且看来你主要想表达的是后面紧接着的这一句，所以这一句建议缩短成：When young, 或者 in our early years, 与后面这句一起构成一个中心意思，而重点在后面这个部分，这就与前句那个比喻在意思上很好地衔接了 ）We all sworn to be great men, for example, scientists, doctors, masters of drawing, musicians and so on. In spite of that （这个短语使用错误，如果你后面紧接着说 in spite of that , few of us realize them in our later life，这个短语是可用的，因为它这时候很好地表达了“尽管这么说了，可是却没做到”的意思，但是你后面的句子绕了很远才表达出“没做到”，中间万水千山啊，:dizzy: ）,
for most of us, it is not a will but a springing answer to the question raised by the teachers. When we said we wanted to be as great as Beethoven, we might have no idea about what Beethoven was famous for. As a result, we are being shaped by the influence impacted on us, only to find we have been a bank clerk after twenty years. 这几句已经把重心移到了“我们所谓的梦想不过是回答老师问题的答案”这个意思上了，花了几个句子来表达这个意思，导致整段中心unfocused，要每个句子都在说同一件事情，不能用了几个句子才绕回去。你想要表达的是，我们之所以fail to realize our so-called dream, 是因为那不是我们真正的will。所以，在逻辑上，语法上，都应该与前文联系起来，进行修改，使句子紧凑，譬如这样改：In our early years we may have said we wanted to become great scientists, doctors, masters of art and so forth. Yet few of us take it seriously as those so-called wishes are merely answers to our teachers' or parents' questions. We do not mean it when we swear to be another Bethoven. It's no wonder most of us would end up an ordinary bank clerk after twenty years. 这样重组一下后，重心明确了，与前文的重心一致，也就流畅了。
后面这几句也是一样：As for the minority children who have been keeping his will to be a great man, on the contrary, realize their dream. 这一句应该首先强调“真正有梦想的人就可能在未来真正实现他们的梦想”（这里minority一词用错，你是想表达a few的意思吧？）。按照你的句子结构，realize their dream 是句子重心，而事实上你要说的是“他们realize their dreams”是因为他们真正拥有will，对吧？建议改成：Those who do realize their great dreams later, however, know what their heart is really longing for, and henceforth strive for it persistently.
Barack Obama wrote down his dream in his composition when he was in Grade Three in the elementary school. He said he wanted to be a president. It was not a coincidence that he became the 44th president of the United States for reason that he has been keeping his will to be a president. Whenever he is at sea about the future, the dream will save him from going it blind and thus instruct him to go on his way. 这个例子紧跟前一句，很好地说明了前文的意思。但是，仍然不够紧凑，也不够简洁，导致重心散乱。建议改为：Barack Obama, when a grade-three pupil, wrote in his composition that he wanted to be president （此词前面不能用冠词）of the USA, and he did it. His dream saved him from going blindly forward, （原文的will属于时态错误） and spurred him on without slight hesitation. Besides the function of instruction, a will can also make us alert to the necessary information that matters a lot. If we keep a will for something, we will select the information we receive, promote it and make it our own. Just take we English majors for example. When we walk and look around, we will pay more attention to the translation of the commercials instead of the designation of them. In addition, we may engage ourselves in comparing the difference between Chinese culture and western culture when others are cheering for the Christmas Day. As long as we are clear about what we want, we will make the best of what we get and maximize our advantages, therefore receiving most benefits within least time.
首先，besides用得恰当。
不过，instruction不恰当，词义不符，建议查阅词汇的英文意义，以便更好地理解词义。promote一词的词义也建议查询。
Besides the function of instruction, a will can also make us alert to the necessary information that matters a lot. If we keep a will for something, we will select the information we receive, promote it and make it our own. 这两句能否连成一句呢？因为属于不必要的重复，而且promote it and make it our own也有点中文英语的味道。比如改成：Besides, harboring a will may help us access to useful information, which may be a crutial factor in our final success.
Just take we English majors for example. （Just 可以省略，we 应为 us）When we walk and look around, we will pay more attention to the translation of the commercials instead of the designation of them. In addition, we may engage ourselves in comparing the difference between Chinese culture and western culture when others are cheering for the Christmas Day. （如果与前面的句子形成排比句式，读者读起来会更流畅和自然，也就是说把后面这句的 When others are cheering for Christmas 放在前面；从句意上来讲，既然是排比了，in addition就可以省略了）As long as we are clear about what we want, we will make the best of what we get and maximize our advantages, therefore receiving most benefits within least time. （这一句里的maximize our advantages是提出了另一个前文没有后文也没有的意思，与整段大意不相符，建议删除） 本帖最后由 Cinderella 于 2012-12-3 00:24 编辑
At the same time, a will is also a crucial factor for us to persist in our career. A lasting will usually derives from a strong interest or a steady sense of responsibility. We sometimes say that someone is born an inventor since we notice he shows great curiosity about obvious questions and takes interest in making small devices. And it is this interest that drives him to work hard and deepen into the invention. Other people, like Zhou Enlai, who announced that we should study for the strongness of our country, however, strive for their career for the great sense of responsibility. They all hold the lofty ideal, conquer all the obstacles and charge for their goal.
at the same time 建议改为：Furthermore，更有递进的意思；
a will is also a crucial factor for us to persist in our career （factor后面一般不用for sb to do sth)
A lasting will usually derives from a strong interest or a steady sense of responsibility. (will 和 usually 不会混搭）（语法上应为 is derived from）
结合此段后文，这两句可以改为：Furthermore, a strong will may contribute to our persistency in pursuing our goal, which is indispensable in finding a way. (这句与后句的逻辑关系宜进一步表明，才能保证全段的重心不离这一句；此外在陈述 will的重要性时，不要忘了与 a way联系起来才符合标题也就是中心意思） （原文忽略了这一点，所以句子重心不知不觉转移到 interest 和 responsibility上面去了，忘记了persisitency 才是重点）所以接下来这句试改为：A will that is strong enough usually stems from great curiosity or intense interest.
后面这句 We sometimes say that someone is born an inventor since we notice he shows great curiosity about obvious questions and takes interest in making small devices. 紧接前句，宜把前后句紧密相关的部分放得离彼此近一点，故改为：One who shows great curiosity (obvious questions怎么理解呢？我不懂，所以选择删除这两个词）about or intense interest in making small devices, for instance, have larger possiblities to become a great inventor, for his curiosity or interest would spur him on and on, however difficult it might be.（加上for 这个从句，才再次把 interest 和curiosity 与 strong will 以及 persistency 这三个概念联系起来，否则就变成 interest 与 curiosity 两者与成功之间的关系了）【加上however difficult it might be，才与标题 （a will 与 a way之间的关系）挂上钩，否则只讲了will ，又远离了 way】
Other people, like Zhou Enlai, （这个逗号应该删除，否则后面这个who从句就成为other people的定语了） who announced that we should study for the strongness of our country, however, strive for their career for the great sense of responsibility. ————这一句，为了与第一句紧密衔接，可以重复说明：Sense of responsibility also contributes to persistency. Former Chinese premier Zhou Enlai, （不要忘记文章是写给英文读者看的，所以有必要在周恩来名字前加一个说明）for example, out of his strong sense of responsibility to "study for stronger national power of China", strived throughout his life to make China more powerful.
They all hold the lofty ideal, conquer all the obstacles and charge for their goal. 这一句又提出了一个新话题，重点在 lofty，宜删除。如果想保留，要用词汇和句子结构来表明与前文的密切关系，比如把responsibility 与 way 联系起来，紧接前文应该这样说：It is this sense of responsibility that had helped him overcome all the obstacles and find a way out of no way. Here we can draw the conclusion that where there is a will, there is a way. A will is that which leads us to success in an effective way. Hold a strong will, and you will harvest surprising rewards.
最后这一段，三句话之间的逻辑联系不紧密。最后一句的主语用you不恰当，因为全文主要用we. 试着修改一下？
所有修改意见仅供参考。
欢迎雪梅自己再次修改，获得进一步提升。 回复 1# 徐雪梅1008班
把“have been consistent”改为“have coincided"可以不？ 第二段：The saying is obviously true in that it, at first, is logically organized.----------注意at f ...
Cinderella 发表于 2012-12-2 21:25 http://www.csucatol.cn/images/common/back.gif
我想说明的是will是way的充分不必要条件，好像是很啰嗦